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Faith is hard for me.

Faith is sometimes ugly for me.

I don’t have the spiritual gift of faith. John does and more often than not,  I feel like it isn’t fair. He can blindly trust that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose – Romans 8:28.

Me? Not so much.

I have a real hard time with just trusting. Trusting people, trusting God, trusting situations..it isn’t easy for me. I know that I make it hard for myself, but it just isn’t built into me to have the kind of faith that I want.

I look at our circumstance right now and see hopelessness. I’m just being vulnerable here. We are jobless, homeless and live with our parents. All my kids are sharing one room, not by choice. My inloves have given up their quiet, clean house to a group of loud, smelly kids. They wouldn’t have it any other way. Love having us here. I am struggling with being here. Not because I don’t love them, but because I am lacking the faith to see the end. My inadequacy in this area is costing me some precious moments with my family.

God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose – Romans 8:28

I know that with my head. I am learning that I need the faith to know it with my heart.

and the apostles said unto the Lord, Increase our faith – Luke 17:5

I don’t have faith the kind of faith that I want because I’m not asking for it daily. I am choosing to live in the scary unknown. I am holding myself bondage to the past and the could have been. Waking up with a fear of what the day holds instead of embracing the opportunity to live out the faith that I profess.

for he was a good man, and full of the Holy Spirit and of faith – Acts 11:24

I have been blessed with a husband who daily lives out his faith. He challenges me. Shows me love in every situation, even when I am being unreasonable. Understands my lack of faith and allows me the time and space to grow. He is very rarely ever caught off guard by life, but when he is, he is quick to remind us that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose – Romans 8:28. We (John and I) love God. We HAVE been called. There is nothing that can happen to us that will take that calling and promise away. I must have faith in that. I have to!

Saying it and doing it are 2 different things though. And sadly, I have been lacking in the doing it department.

I want to live what I preach. I want my kids to be able to say: Mom never faltered in her faith. She taught us that no matter what’s going on in our lives, God will work it together for our good because we love Him. She had faith that God’s promises were true. Not just true because they are in the bible, but true because they were her’s. Mom claimed it. Lived it.

Is this something that will be worked out overnight? I wish, but not hardly. Faith is going to take a lifetime of learning and choosing.

Today I am making the first step.

I am choosing, today, to live in faith. Faith that God’s promises are true, faith that we are right where He wants us, faith that my kids will see us living and loving, faith that whatever he has for us as a family is right in His perfect will and will happen in His timing, faith that my youth kids back in TN will live what they have heard from the pulpit the last 4 years, faith that my relationships will be continued regardless of where I live, faith that shows my husband that I am with him to the ends of the earth and faith that convicts my own heart.

 

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