, , , , , ,

This morning I listened to some voicemails I had on my phone that I’ve never listened to. Most were from Tennessee and at the time they were left, I couldn’t deal with hearing them.

I haven’t lost my husband.
I haven’t lost a child.
I haven’t lost a parent.
I haven’t lost a pet that I love.

I can’t even begin to imagine the pain associated with those. It would be crippling and unbearable at times. Something I know I wouldn’t be able to just forget about or move on from. At least not for a long time.

I don’t even know how to categorize my loss. I can’t come up with a good name for it.
I lost the innocence of a relationship I thought was with a friend.
I lost my trust in a church.
I lost people who I thought loved me.
I lost my ability to clean a bathroom and not have a panic attack.
I lost my sense of self worth.
I lost my security in the justice system.

I don’t know how to bounce back from this. I’ve done a great job of hiding pain and “moving on” like it never happened. I can laugh with the best of them. And shrug my shoulders in all the right places while saying “eh..I’m good”.

But sometimes I’m not.

The one person I went to, in confidence, for help, betrayed me. My mentor. The woman I looked up to and quoted. I took her word as truth.
It hurt. Still hurts.
Losing my best friend.
Losing my house.
Watching Brooks struggle with not being able to see the friends he grew up with. And still remembers. Not getting to see his Miss Honey.

Finding business cards stuck in books as bookmarks that have his name on it. Finding t-shirts that he gave us in moving boxes.

Some days it overwhelms me. The sense of loss and struggle.

But my hope isn’t in any of these thing. If it were? Wow. I wouldn’t want to get out of bed. Ever!

My hope is in my God who tells me :

“the Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He takes great delight in you. He will quiet you with His love. He will rejoice over you with singing. The lord your God is with you!” Zephaniah 3:17

My God is singing over me! In my darkest place, he is quietly singing a love song over me. Comforting me. Rejoicing over me! Nothing I do will ever take away His love for me. Nothing!
It’s so hard for me to remember this sometimes, but God has a plan for my life.
One that obviously involves struggle.

But in the middle of all this, I also have..
And the most amazing husband ever created. He has stood by me when he had every right to not. He held my hand and confidently spoke truth to a congregation and group of men who wanted him to go away.
He is my hero in every sense of the word. The man lives out every single day what it means to be faithful in little and have joy that you can’t explain.

So even though I’m struggling today…
My God knows my heart and knows what I need and when I need it. He is quietly speaking truth to the lies that my heart has created and I’m thankful.

…even in the midst of struggle…